Dear Self,
Giving birth to your first baby in July of 2021, at age 32 will usher you into one of the longest, most trying seasons of your life. You do not want this to be one of the most trying seasons of your life; you want it to be the start of the life you dreamed of. It will be. You just have some weeds to clear out before the purity of what you long for can be experienced at its full capacity. The Father, out of his goodness, wants this for you.
You will take your challenges as failures. The revealing of shame is part of the purification process. The things you are most afraid of happening, will happen. You will search for a way out for a long time, clawing and scraping at times, until you realize your freedom lies in finding God’s goodness within your fears. When you realize that you survived and God never let you succumb to it - fear is not avoided it’s removed. Vanished. You will thank the Father for this. You would have settled for being rescued immediately from your fear but now you do not need to fear the future. A gift you never dreamed of asking for.
This will include a laundry list of skills: How to recover from a C-section, how to nurse an impatient baby, how to support your hormones and nervous system when they are struggling (anxiety and depression), how to soothe a fussy baby, how to understand the impermanence of dependent babies and sleepless nights, how to restore your digestive system, how to let go of fear and trust the Father, how to rebuild your mindset about yourself after these challenging years.
With one thing happening after another strewn out over years, you will feel broken; your nervous system worn out. You think you might have recovered and then discover you’re still ridden with fear. The Father is giving no shortcuts. You will become more resilient when once this word was far from anything you’d describe yourself as. You will wear this badge of resilience after feeling the weakest you have in your life.
You will face the hole in your heart of not being taken care of. Motherhood and health struggles will bring this out in you in a deep way. You find yourself feeling alone not only to take care of your baby but to take care of yourself and the grief of this loss will be felt in this time. Would this hole not have been there, you may have had the same experiences and handled them differently however, you are now adept at seeing those in need. You will support other young mothers in ways that would’ve ministered to you. It will bring joy and healing to you. It will become a ministry for you.
You will gain confidence in yourself as a mother and a wonderful, warm coat of experience that will shelter you from the cold chill of the unknown. With every soothing of your child’s young nervous system, yours will be retrained.
You will LOVE motherhood. Especially the toddler years. Your little boy will become your best buddy. You will find joy and rest in being with him and cuddling him close. You will finally find the rhythms of life that you always longed for… a day started by little pattering feet and reading a book together, cooking meals for the two of you and sharing each one together, toting him along in the wrap as a baby on daily walks and garden strolls and visits to friends. You will answer a million curious questions while you do your work and try to include him into the cookie dough stirring; sharing your love of sweet and crunchy things. You will take breaks to play and color and explore outside. Your child will color all the things that you love doing at home: gardening, canning, baking, homesteading. He will be apart of it.
He is your first priority and it will be a continual lesson to put him there in front of your other work. When he came into this world he quickly demanded this attention and your brain fought pretty hard to claim some of it back. It was rapid and merciless. But you have adapted. This is your new normal and you have realized that it has made your life better. Increasingly better. It’s created wonderful routines that help you to be even more productive than you were before, like getting up promptly every day, having a set time for devotions and showers (nap time), demanding that you sit down and eat a nourishing meal regularly and make the most of the time you have to work when you have it.
Motherhood has softened your heart to the patience and love the Lord has toward you. Every time your child requires selfless love and you press into the Lord the find it, you are ministered to. You realize how much you need the Lord.
In the midst of physical pain, you will find a miraculous joy that is accessible daily, no matter how you’re feeling. This will remove the fear and change everything.
You will realize that you are not in control and be glad. Though you claw for it at first, your trust in the Lord grows and you realize that he is truly over ALL THINGS. Physical, mental, and medical. He can help. He does know enough. You do not have to find the solution yourself, ruthlessly searching or even in the right doctor. You must only relay your smallest anxiety to him and trust him with it. He will lead you to the right solution, every time.
“In that case why should I have anxiety? It is not my business to think about myself. It is my business to think about God. It is for God to think about me.”
“I don’t know about tomorrow,
it may bring me poverty;
but the One who feeds the sparrow,
is the one who stands by me.”
Song Link: I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
“Fear arises when we imagine everything depends on us.”
“And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.”
You will become like a little child in your Father’s hands, trusting him implicitly for each worry that passes your mind. You’ll submit it to him and go on with the joy of living. You will find much joy in living. Again, you will.
You will share this joy with others that He may be known.
I started off this letter with the brainstorm of answering each of the things that I struggled with in postpartum with experience and a solution but I let the Spirit lead instead.
And I realize that it was not about whether or not I took anti-depressants or found natural solutions, or how I learned to nurse or care for a fussy baby or found answers for my health problems—(though the Lord gave me solutions for all those things)—It was about fear. It was fear that made each of those things STING; that made the pain miserable, and made the anxiety unbearable. And it was trust in the Lord that removed it. Trust removed the sting. It gave me HOPE. Resilience. Endurance. Joy. It gave me life.
No my story is not about postpartum depression or health issues. My story is about Trusting my Father. It’s about HIM. It will always be about Him. Christ Jesus is the answer.
Worship to lead you into a time of ministry: https://youtu.be/_fY3l9AKPa0?si=Ws0ssbDIj7k0VAoc
Song Link: Touch of Heaven, David Funk
“All I want is just to know your heart and will you keep me here until we’re one.
I just want you, nothing else, nothing will do.”
